Wrath of Kahn?

So...understand me, okay? I'm a God person. Just like there are extremely cat people and dog people (which I'm both of those, too), I'm also a big time God person. Just my thing. I'm not a Southern Baptist kinda God person, just a normal, everyday "talk to God so it doesn't look like you're talking to yourself" kinda God person. I even like some gospel music (but it's gotta be good stuff, not the canned crap so many music evangelists are passing off as music these days - that ain't the spirit moving them, it's Visa) and a few of the televangelists on satellite TV. Some of the new folks -and I said some - have a nice, hopeful, uplifting message that doesn't seem to cost folks too much of their pension checks. That being said...do you think Pat Robertson knows he's, like, America's clown laureate? How ridiculous to go from being God's man to Jay Leno's one-liner - on a slow news day.

Pat Robertson has come out (don't we all wish he would!) and said that Hurricane Katrina is God's wrath for...no, wait for it...Ellen DeGeneres hosting the Emmys. I'll wait a moment for you to catch your breath. Yep. Apparently she was also responsible for the 9/11 attacks. Huh...So, God in all His power and wisdom has chosen to ignore Iraq, the Gaza Strip, the Jihad, poverty, pedophiles, serial murderers and Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon, and concentrated instead on wreaking death and destruction on New Orleans (which one is it, Soddom or Gomorrah?) because...let me get a good breath this time...Ellen DeGeneres is hosting an awards show? And not just any awards show. It's not like it's the Oscars or anything. It's a TV awards show. But, fear not dear citizens, all can be put right if Ellen just backs down from hosting and issues an apology for all the death and destruction she's caused.

Why are certain fundamentalists so obsessed with sex? This guy's gotta be thinking about it a lot more than I am. Then again, everybody thinks about it a lot more than I do.

Then I got to considering...that incredibly devastating hurricane back in the 70s (I don't think that one was the one that hit Galveston, making it the deadliest hurricane ever) - Hurricane Camille. Was that because Billy Jean King was a better tennis player than Bobby Riggs? Or was it because Arthur Ashe was black? Oh, wait, I've got it. Hurricane Camille happened because Paul Lynde was the center square, right?

Well, at least Pat Robertson is still more entertaining than Paris Hilton.

Semantic Rendezvous

bore: ...4. to weary by being dull, uninteresting, or monotonous.

isolate: ...1. to set apart from others; to place alone...

alone: 1. apart from anything or anyone else. 2. without any other person. 3. without anything further; with nothing more; only. syn.-alone, unqualified, denotes the simple fact of being by oneself or itself; solitary conveys the same sense but suggests more strongly the lack of companionship or association; lonely, and the more poetic lone, convey a heightened sense of solitude and gloom; lonesome suggests a longing or yearning for companionship; often for a particular person.

companion: 1. a person who associates with or accompanies another or othes; associate; comrade. ...4. a thing that matches another in sort, color, etc.; one of a set of things. v.t.to accompany; be with as a companion.

comfort: 1. to soothe in distress or sorrow; ease the misery or grief of; bring consolation or hope to. ...4. a state of ease and quiet enjoyment, free from worry, pain, etc.

Woo Who?

I think, for the most part, that today's modern man (God love his diaper changin', focaccia eatin', espresso makin' soul) has forgotten the art of the woo. [woo: 1. to make love to, usually with the intention of proposing marriage; court. 2. to try to get; seek. 3. to entreat solicitously; coax; urge.] You know, courting. Not seducing. Not exactly winning [win: 1. to gain victory; be victorious; triumph; succeed...etc]. But wooing. To some women, being woo-ed is flowers (which are nice but don't take a lot of thought), candy (and I like chocolate as much as the next girl, but Jolly Ranchers...now there's a thoughtful gift), candlelit dinners (I always wondered if I wasn't really supposed to be able to see what I was eating). Wooing takes different forms to different people: I was always attracted to creativity: postcards, letters, dolls with exchanged heads. My friend in Atlanta liked a man who could sing all the words to "Dulcinea".

Many a guy may ask: but Warbler, what constitutes woo-ing? I'm not sure I can answer that specifically. Perhaps some well-known examples.

1. Gene Kelly. He woo-ed. In all his movies. Except Me and My Gal, there he was a coward and therefore incapable of the true woo. Man, could he woo. And he did it in tight dance pants and still looked manly. Ah, a man who could dance and be charming. Woo.

2. Fred Astaire. Was suave and charming but, in general, did not woo. He was usually chased by Ginger and was finally won over. No woo.

3. Cary Grant. A seducer. A tempter. Definitely a hunt/gather/winner. But not really a woo-er. However, on sheer class and sex appeal alone...*sigh* Cary...*sigh*...Grant...*sigh*. Unfortunately, woo-less.

4. Lord Darcy (gotta know your Austen): definite woo-er.

5. John Cusack in The Grifters. Big woo.

6. Jeff Goldblum. No, I kid you not. In all his roles (except for his sleazy ones like The Big Chill where we liked him but we wouldn't let him eat crackers in our bed) he is a woo-er. Like Independence Day. Geeky, yes. Woo. You betcha.

7. The Iglesias Men. Well, that goes without saying. Como se dice "woo" en espanol? (Not sure I spelled that right.)

8. George Strait. Stands. Sings. Smiles. Woos by presence alone. Women faint. Country is good. Woo, y'all.

9. Okay, you know George W. had to be a great woo-er. How else would Laura have ever been won over by him?

10. Barry Wentz. Yep, the former music teacher at the Block Island School, folks, I kid you not. Smart man knew that strong marriages require more, not less, woo-ing. I actually used to witness the man introduce his wife (more than once, mind you) as "the most beautiful woman in the world". That's a-woo-in', my friends.

Sub-texting for Non-Actors

I think Ernie (sans Bert) said it best when he sang [some paraphrasing used in the parts I usually mumble through]:

Well, I'd like to visit the moon
On a rocket ship high in the air.
Yes, I'd like to visit the moon
but I don't think I'd like to live there.
I could look at the (something and something) above,
I could see all the places and people I love.
And although I might go there for one afternoon,
I don't want to live on the moon.

I'd like to travel under the sea
I could meet all the fish everywhere.
Yes, I'd travel under the sea
but I don't think I'd like to live there.
I could stay for a day there if I had my wish
but there's not much to do if your friends are all fish.
And an oyster and clam aren't real family.
So I don't want to live in the sea.

I could visit the jungle, hear the lion roar.
Go back in time and see a dinosaur.
There's so many strange places I'd like to be
but none of them permanently.

So if I should visit the moon,
I would dance on a moonbeam and then
I would make a wish on a star,
and I'd wish I was home once again.

(something inconsequential)

No, I don't want to live on a moon.

Ah, the muppets. Dreamers all.