Hot Legs

Dear Men,

I love you. I really do. I love the way most of you can lift twenty to fifty pounds more than I. I love the way you look at something broken and say "Don't worry, honey, I'll fix it" when we really know that it means "Don't worry, honey, I'll tinker with it and then we'll pay someone to fix it." I love the way you're different and endearingly childlike in so many ways. I love the very maleness of you and goodness knows I wouldn't want to change who you are and what has made you that way. Who am I to argue with millions of years of evolution? (or one really quick day of intelligent design played out over millions of years, depending on whether you live in Kansas or not) So, men of the world, I love you. In a totally sister-like, non-threatening and don't even think it kind of way. I want you to understand that I what I am about to say is from a place of sincere admiration and deep affection.

There is never, ever, any reason to wear dark socks with shorts.

Ever.

I thought that this particular heinous insult to all the sighted people in the world passed with the 70's. Granted, there was that whole wearing thick, black slouch socks with white keds in the 80's but thank God it passed faster than A Flock Of Seagulls celebrity status. And it is true that it has been many, many years since I have spotted black socks and shorts. (But enough about Dad. Please don't judge him by his wardrobe. He meant well.) But, and I think I'm pretty safe when I speak on behalf of all women EVERYWHERE when I say, that just because you've figured out that black socks don't go with shorts doesn't mean that any color other than white does. Let me rephrase that into something a little easier for the testosterone riddled crowd to decipher. If it's anything other than a white crew sock, do not - I repeat - DO NOT WEAR IT WITH SHORTS. Just because your cut offs were once dark blue does not mean that your periwinkle dress socks 'match'. They don't. They never will. I don't care if you're wearing red madras (and I can only hope to God that's because you've entered the world's tackiest golf tournament strictly for laughs and charity), there is NO COLOR of SOCKS that will 'go with' the outfit. Especially if it's madras of any kind. Again, I reiterate, the 80s are not a time to emulate, okay?

I saw it just today. A pair of chino type shorts. Polo shirt. Brown loafers and dusky purple socks. People, people. This is not okay. Not even in Bangladesh where they LOVE dusky purple.

Not sure you can handle white crew socks? Allow me to make it easy on every male out there allowed (and I'm not sure why) to do his own shopping. Invest in a nice pair of sandals. True, there are some who find the mastery of flip flops, or even sloppy joes, just a tad beyond their grasp. But that's okay. Even the most pasty white, knock kneed, two inch circumferenced chicken legs will look just fine in a pair of cargo shorts and some TEVAs. Trust me. Those legs will look like Lance Armstrongs against anything in beige dress socks.

Please, guys, don't try to color coordinate. 60 percent of you are color blind anyway! Just back away from the sock drawer and nobody will get hurt. I'm only saying this because I love you and I don't want you to get hurt.

Anybody can throw on a pair of shorts. But it takes a real man to throw on a pair of shorts AND change his footwear.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
The Women of the World
Especially the one who tries not to laugh in public if this was addressed directly to you