So Long, Thanks For All The Fish

In many ways, she was right. It sucks when one person hurts another. An area of expertise, if you will. I knew there were going to be several upset people. I know I'm not supposed to say anything that will upset the status quo. I know that my daughter thinks I'm a lousy human being for trying to do the right things.

Mea culpa.

I have finished with my blog. It has brought me endless joy and great entertainment. My blog has been a lifeline where there was none before. When I had nobody to talk to, nobody to share myself with who cared to listen, the great virtual out there allowed me to be myself, warts and all. My blog allowed me to stop editing myself, to stop hiding my feelings, to reconnect with like-minded and not so like-minded people. It reminded me that there is a whole world out there full of promise, hope, friendship and fun. It also reminded me there is a smaller world out there full of pain, anger and confusion.

I feel that I am betraying myself if I apologize for hurting somebody's feelings. I am not responsible for somebody else's feelings. However, I am responsible for consciously and knowingly hurting somebody. I guess I get upset and frustrated because nobody ever apologizes for hurting me. Nobody ever apologizes for anything. Nobody ever even talks about anything, acknowledges anything, solves anything or ends anything. But I did go public for a specific reason that was a risky venture and I caused embarassment where I should have been more compassionate. Sometimes I don't particularly feel like being compassionate. Something that seems to be okay with other people but not for me. It is my role to be 'nice'. It is my job to be the doormat. And if I ever make a mistake or do something more like the 'emotional terrorists' that are ever-present in our world, then I am a far worse human being because, again...I'm the 'nice' one. Nice ones aren't supposed to get fed up. Nice ones aren't supposed to get angry, or fight back, or refuse to accept bad treatment from anybody. Nice ones can be talked about, vilified, used in conversation badly, speculated about and be accused of outrageous and unrealistic things, but nice people are supposed to 'let it slide' and 'turn the other cheek'. I can't tell you how sickening it is to be told your whole life "be the better person."

I'm sorry for hurting feelings. I am. I'm more sorry for the backlash they'll cause.

I shouldn't and I won't continue my blog. I have too much to say and only angry people to make angrier will read and comment. I don't need that for my life. I don't need my cousins and my friends and my aunt and all those who love me to have to read the nastiness. And I appreciate their support in what I thought was right. It was a bad idea. And even though the ends may justify the means, it was still a bad idea. Even nice people can have those occasionally.

I will miss my blog. I will miss the friends it has made me and the relationships it has strengthened. I will miss having the forum to be myself and verbalize my thoughts and feelings. But we have seen before the destructive power of the blog and I have just counted myself in with the unlucky multitudes.

Thank you for joining me on this journey. Thank you for the comfort most of you have brought me. Thank you for the wonderful emails and encouragements and lovely things you have said to me. Thank you for all those tons of emails telling me to stick to my guns and be who I am. Thank you for everything.

So long. And thanks for all the fish.