The Night Before Christmas

My daughter and I purchased a book and CD called 'Christmas Carol Car-i-oke". It's, obviously, a karaoke CD meant to be used for travelling to Grandma's house and so forth. Lots of lovely hymns and traditional carols set to some updated (and sometimes unsettling) orchestrations. All in all - good fun. My daughter put it in the computer the other night when toddler was having a full meltdown during dinner and I, for once, relaxed the no-singing-at-the-table rule (can you believe I would have that one?) and we sang our way through "Jingle Bells", "O Little Town of Bethlehem", "We Wish You a Merry Christmas", "Joy to the World", "Angels We Have Heard on High"...well, you get the picture. Toddler boy just sat and listened, wide-eyed, as he clutched and crunched his special toddler animal cracker. Until "Go, Tell It On The Mountain" with a truly gospel arrangement started and Momma got a little wild and started wailing to the music. You and I would have laughed and shouted "Testify, sista", but the baby started to cry. Well, if that doesn't make you feel small. He was really enjoying it until then. We tried to finish the rest of the CD this evening, but the keys keep getting higher and higher and there aren't a lot of people who can sing up there during "O Holy Night" and "The Hallelujah Chorus" - we really could have used my cousin and her family (think Von Trapps) at that particular moment. Actually, I sounded pretty darned good on O Holy Night, but it wasn't very sing-along-ish.

I can see it now...it will be the night before Christmas
And all through the house
The damn cats are rambunctious
And they're waking my spouse

The stockings were hung
Not by the chimney but the hall
In case that their weight
Might pull down a wall.

The children don't sleep
Why put them to bed
They eat so much sugar
there's no teeth in their heads;

And Momma's so frazzled
so tired and wistful
She's guzzling down Pinot
and Shiraz by the fistful

When out on the lawn
there arose such a clatter
Apparently a moose got
caught up in the ladder.

I went to the window
but got caught in a draft
when I realized the shutters
were nailed to the sash.

The moon on the breast
of four more feet of snow
Made me long for the Islands
where coconuts grow.

When, what to my wondering eyes did appear
But a big honkin' sleigh
with creatures - oh dear!

With a cute, geeky guy who was
driving so quick
I knew that he must have his eyes checked
and quick!
More rapid than UPS
his coursers went - bam!
And I knew in an instant
they were trained by Dave Lamb.

"Now Moose, and Moose and Moose and Moose.
On Moose and Moose and Moose and Moose.
To the top of the - wait!
That porch is a sight.
Don't land there or we'll
be in the ER all night.

As dry leaves that fall
from the churchyard next door
He crowded our steps
and blew in the front door.

He was dressed in fake fur
to be true PC
and he looked at my jammies
with far less than glee.
He gave me a glance that said
"Oh, what you're wearing!"
Then he opened his pack and he
pulled out a herring.

His eyes - how they twinkled!
His smile was so bright.
Then he turned red and mumbled
I thought this was Knights
[who say 'Nee']

He had a broad face and a six pack of abs
And I couldn't help giving the eye - he was FAB!
I oogled and ogled this jolly old - yet well-built [cuz it's my poem]elf
And I silently said "Get control of yourself!"
A wink of his eye
let me know what to say
for with fashion that keen
he was obviously gay!

As to how I might wrap up
this complex-styled verse
We may never know
for the news is the worst.

The baby has woken
so this verse is quite mum.
He's asleep on my shoulder
and my arm's going numb!