M-O-T-H-E-R

I take my role as a parent seriously. Not to say that I am a serious parent. I think anybody who knows me is aware that "serious" isn't really my forte. Even the teen-ager who is loathe to compliment me admits that "even when [I'm] mad, [I] still try to be positive". I think I understand, maybe more than those who grew up in relatively happy and heatlhy families, that being the best parent you can possibly be guarantees the future of your child, your bloodline, the species and the planet. There is not any job more important than parent. Not the President of the United States (apparently anybodycan do that job - or not, as the case may be), not cancer research (although important), not janitor at Arrowhead. Nothing, and you will never convince me otherwise, is more important than being a good parent. The thing that I, as most responsible parents, have learned on the job is that parenting is a good deal more than: washing dishes, fixing meals, washing clothes, cleaning bathrooms, putting band-aids on boo-boos, weaning covertly, scoopin' the kitty poop, dusting and vacuuming, fixing the computer "what???"s, giving baths, walking the dog, painting the chipped paint, calling the attorney, purchasing Christmas, Valentine's, Birthday, etc. gifts, coloring, playing horsie, scooping the dog poop...well, my list goes on and on - it varies according to the parent - good parenting is about the emotional, spiritual, psycological, social and etiquette life of a child. Yes, manners = good parenting. Do you want your child to be a reject at a four star restaurant, for goodness'sake? What if your child grows up to be important and has tea with the Queen? Best to be prepared.

The thing is...I'm not able to do all those things at this time, in this situation. I find it the most frustrating, debilitating, depressing, anguished feeling. My children deserve a wonderful childhood - and it has so very little to do with money. Really. I never planned on being rich - well, after 30 I never planned on being rich. (I did, however, expect to be a tad more solvent than current) Family outings are non-existent in our household. I can't even recall the last time that our family did anything together that didn't involve work, helping Daddy work, or preparing things so Dad can work. I am God's girl, yet I can't even take my children to church without some major rescheduling. (The teen-ager had such a negative church experience on BI that she now refuses to attend anything, which is a shame)

I am stymied as to how I am single-handedly supposed to teach my son to be a man - a good man - and teach my daughter how to cope in a realistic world she's never had experience with before, when my days are strictly scheduled around feedings, snacks, school drop offs and pick ups, painting, litter boxes - I mean, it has to be or these things don't get done and it really IS important to have clean dishes, clean clothes (but I won't tell you how long my daughter wore one pair of jeans - it's just too hard to wrap your mind around something like that), food and sleep. The cats need to be healthy and are solely dependent on me.

This has never been my lifestyle, up to now. I have always been a bit of a free spirit, fly by the seat of your pants kind of girl. I live for social activity - not just any kind, but close friendships and acquaintances whose company one actually enjoys. One of the reason I always liked the community theatre scene more than the professional one was because people were there to have fun. Regular Joes - dentists, policemen, students, computer programmers, entrepreneurs, middle management, whatever, everybody had that one thing of loving live theatre and performing or "crew-ing", and a small community was born in that. Nerdy, maybe, but I love nerds. I used to love my weekly D&D Games - and all the soda and chips that went with it - to get together with imaginative individuals who could really make me laugh (I learned later that not all Players are that fun - I stopped when I was the only gal in a room full of 20-somethings men who'd never had a date or a joke in their lives). Even more, I love those community theatre parties where there was a little wine, lots of soda and punch, tons of food and a really good time. There was always some silly game like "Pictionary" or "Balderdash" or even "Charades" and we loved playing them. I don't want to hang out with people who only want to eat, get trashed and talk sex. How boring! Professional theatre parties are all about the booze, the drugs and the connections. Booooo-rrrrr-innngggg (although, 20 years ago it was exciting to watch, at first, and it WAS part of the job)I miss entertaining. I miss fixing party food and cleaning the house in anticipation. I miss introducing people to each other. But I digress. I've never really been the kind of gal who stays home all day cooking, cleaning, slaving. It doesn't sit well on me. That's not to say I don't enjoy it, under the right circumstances. It's just these aren't exactly the right circumstances. I certainly am not the kind of gal who takes sacrificing the salon, the clothes, the facials and the dentist with a good attitude. I don't want my children to grow up thinking that life is about never getting what makes you happy.

My children's spiritual, emotional and psychological needs aren't being met. Neither are mine. It's the Christmas season and I need to kick myself in the butt, get a hold of myself and turn back into what makes me me. I need to get that keyboard set up, no matter whether I have the strong person to help me carry equipment down the stairs or not. I need to locate the Christmas decorations and the tree myself and put it up myself, whether the living room is fully painted or not. I need to go to the hardware store and get those eyehooks myself to keep the baby or the cats from pulling the tree over (cuz I've still got a few brain cells operating). Then I need to take a deep breath, sing Christmas Carols as I scoop poop, explain Christmas to the baby in a sing-song voice as I wash the bottles (I said 'weaning', not 'weaned') and hope that someday soon I will relax enough to find a path to being the best parent I can possibly be.

And if a face messy from sugar cookies smiles up at me...well, it'll all be worth it, won't it?