Untitled Opus
Hmmm...I want to write. I want to communicate. I want to reach out - bare my soul. But it's a tad bit difficult to bare one's soul when one's readership is peppered with those who speak to and deal with some of my family members on a regular basis.
I started out glib with resolutions for the New Year, but I don't feel glib. I don't feel...superficial...tonight. I'm not particularly dour or morose, but I need...I need to figure out the words that go there. A...soul connection. Yes, that's it. I need to connect my soul to another soul - if only for a brief moment of time. Not in a romantic or tantric way, but...again, the words are lacking. I need to pour out a piece of the real me that lies beneath the humor, the angst, the talent, the need to make people - anyone - chuckle or...be...entertained. (I'm using those...-my daughter knows the name for those dots, starts with 'e', I think, but I can't remember it - to show you my struggle for words this evening. And no shiraz!)
I love to write, but one of the reasons I never did anything with it is because I have an ability to concentrate deeply, but only for really short periods of time. Perhaps that's why I am so at ease and connected with music. It engages all aspects of my concentration - right brain, left brain, muscle memory. Writing with me has always been hit or miss.
I had a teacher in college who insisted I needed to major in English or Journalism. At the time, I was insulted. "English!" *sniff* "I'm an actress!" Boy, sure do wish I had that English degree now, I can tell you. What that teacher didn't know is that almost all my assignments were straight forward, stream of consciousness writings that I penned in long hand, copied down again and turned in. There were no outlines, no rough drafts, no editing and thesaurases - which I use for songwriting, by the way. I can't function like that. I shouldn't say that. I can function, but it is difficult to make myself sit down and do it. I am who I am and my writing is the same way.
What you see in my post is, with very few exceptions, what I have sat down to write in fifteen minutes or less. I type fast, by the way. Used to be 90 wpm, now I think I'm about 75 or 80.
How can one bare one's soul and connect when one can't find one's soul in fifteen minutes or less? And, really, would I want to? As has been evidenced by one of the other blogs I'm a regular loud mouth on, nuances do not convey in type. And I'm one of those people who find myself misinterpreted in real life far too often for comfort. Imagine how much more it happens in cyberspace.
How do you explain the Universe in 25 words or less? 'Big' Sure. But it doesn't encompass my Napoleanic need to conquer the masses(or, speaking of Napolean, my obsession with gleefully watching Tom Cruise fall) , or what I really think of the Big Bang theory (yep, I had a roomie who thought it was something else) or why I think intelligent design is an infringement of separation of state and why atheists shouldn't have the right to take the ten commandments out of the Courthouses. It doesn't help me to define who I am, who I was and who I will be.
This past year, I have faltered. I have learned, I have grown, I have fallen in love with an angel. I have conquered much and let go of far too little. But I have stumbled and continued down a tangled path long after I realized it would not lead me to where I wished to go. I have betrayed my very credo of humanity. I have let myself down because I was not perfect in the ways that I needed to achieve perfection. And I have not forgiven myself for my own slackitudinosity. And for me, the new year is fraught with personal and financial dangers. It has not started fresh, with a "ringing in". Instead there is a ringing in my head of harsh words - not just from others but from myself to myself. It has started with a bittersweet sadness as I realize my shortcomings. But it has also started with a growing determination to allow myself to mourn my imperfections but to also acknowledge that I don't wish to ring in the next new year in the same manner.
And yet, these are not the words with which I wish to connect my soul to another. Or many. Or a few. There isn't emptiness in my heart. There is fullness. Nothing too heady or ebullient. Nothing too depressing. A bittersweetness here, a lingering memory there, a wistfulness somewhere else. Just an overwhelming need to be who I am and be accepted for that. To tear aside the carefully crafted veil for a small space of time and...be. To be imperfect and funny, educated without a degree, angry and loving, clever and clueless and all the other dichotomies that make us who we are. A need to express myself through more than writing paragraphs that amuse me and songs that move me. Far more important, a need to express myself through the hundreds of thousands of little things we do every day that tell others who we really are: the manner in which we start our mornings, our toothbrushing rituals, what we chose to wear and why, how we take our coffee, tea or juice, which phone calls we make and how we avoid talking on the phone, the way we pull down our creeping underwear when we think no one's looking and the preference of posies over roses.
I haven't titled this post yet. I can't think of a song that fits the subject matter or my mood. I can't think of how to end this post, either. So I just will.
posted by The Warbler | 1/01/2006 10:22:00 PM
7 Comments:
...You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.
What looks like you will die but what's really you will still live. Life is changed, not taken away. Isn't that different from those who die without ever becoming butterflies?...
And remember - the possibility of perfection is the most enduring of all illusions, and its pursuit, the most enduring of all quests.
(Man, I really should go to bed when I get home from work - love you babe!)
Slackitudenosity? I love that one! Couldn't find it in my Funk &Wagnalls though, must be a Paula-ism!
Atheist that I am, I'm not one to say that we should not live by those 10 commandments. They gave a real good base of morality to MOST of the masses down through history and certainly here in the US. There appear to be a lot less of us folks who want, desire, or need to adhere to them anymore. Everything now has to be PC. Spare that rod! don't smack that child when he needs it, don't call that color/ethnic person anything unless you put a hyphen in between. I think we have to a large degree lost our way in the forest of "me-ness" and don't or can't feel compassion for others in their time of stress and need. I look at some of the families I see in this little community and wonder what will those new citizens of the world contribute when they reach the age when they will be making the life and death decisions that have to be made every day. I get all up tight about it till I realize with some dismay, that I won't be around to try and correct them, not that I could. TIFN
Yeah, but Everett, people our age have been saying that about people their age for...ages.
It's not that I'm pro-atheist or pro-fundamentalism. It's just that I hate so much good fervor being wasted on squirrel cases and the hair-splitting of civil rights (which gives REAL civil rights a bad name) because everybody wants to tell everybody else who to live. Don't want to see the ten commandments? Close your damn eyes! Don't want your children grow up to believe in Darwin instead of Intelligent Design? Teach 'em at home, after school, at the dinner table instead of watching Wheel of Fortune (which I do watch - not at the dinner table, by the way). PC started as a good idea and was run into the ground by people who were more concerned with being PC than knowing what it really stood for. Who cares if you say 'Chairman', 'Chairperson' or 'Chairwoman'? What matters is that all three are treated with the respect the office is entitled. If the emphasis is placed on words instead of action, then that's all you're gonna get.
And if my friend went to bed after work, then I wouldn't have nearly as many friends talking to me, now would I?
Warbler, dear.
While I do find myself frustrated with some of the brainless PC that just clutters up brainspace and stifles real conversation, I find that I must disagree with you a bit about the importance of words and their usage.
Every world and culture is supported by symbols which both communicate and support the values upon which that world is built.
Words function as linguistic symbols, and do communicate values and function to build up the culture that in turn constitutes worlds.
For example, the language or words that you allow in your house essentially reveal something about your values and the world that you have created in your home.
Another example is found in the words that some rap songs use to describe woman. These images and words do nothing to build up respect for women in the world, but in turn do create a culture that regards women in a degrading way- and actions usually follow words.
Anyways, to limit our vocabulary to terms like 'chairmen' essentially delineates a concept of the world where only men can sit in chairs to make big decisions, earn big money, drive big cars, and find themselves with big waistlines! Alas, I believe women must also be afforded this same opportunity, therefore the importance of the word Chairwoman!
To further illustrate my point, there was once an isolated tribe on a south pacific island. They possessed a highly devloped vocabulary with numerous words for peace, yet none for war. (I'm guessing that they also didn't have words for tourists or mopeds either, but I digress.) Apparently, some outsider messed with their vocabulary and introduced the word for war and the next thing you know the whole place was shot to Hades. Now perhaps this story is just some idealistic liberal urban or island myth, but it does point out the relationship of words to the reality of the world in which we live.
So, lets weed out the silly PC that aims to clobber intelligence and good humor, but keep working to develop a vocabulary that builds a better world.
Time for another glass of shiraz!
M
M -
Well-written and insightful, as always. We're actually arguing finer points on a single-edged sword.
I, too, agree with most of your discourse. I think it obvious that I am a fan of words and all they offer a society. But words mean nothing more than the sentiment with which they are used and whom might be interpreting them. If, for example, I were Chairperson of the Martha For President Society, and you called me "Madam Chairman"and spoke to me with the respect and language of office that such a position incurs, I would sense the truth behind words. On the other hand, if someone sneered the words "Madam Chairman" at me, imbuing it with a severe lack of respect, then I would be forced to acknowledge the intent behind, as well. The words are the same, their use is not.
And, honestly, if an isolated tribe has that many words for peace, how do you know that we are not foisting our own interpretations on them? Perhaps they had different definitions of peace. Like: the temporary peace for cousin Evie's wedding, or the peace of mind that comes with defending your mother's honor in the time honored tradition of knife-throwing. Just because they didn't have a word for war doesn't mean there were never any altercations.
Goodness, martha, if we're going to do this one justice, we're going to need more than another bottle of shiraz...we're also going to need pate!
Warbler, dear.
I agree that a great deal of this is about interpretation and the sentiment with which words are offered. That can't be denied.
And true, the fact that this tribe had a highly developed vocabulary for peace does indeed reflect that they understood its many dimensions and different manifestations, which implies that their world recognized the various ways that peace could be lived. It's probably akin to the reality of the Eskimos who, I understand, have more than one word to describe snow. While we, on the other hand, are pretty much left with other words to describe the snow experience: lots-little-icy-slushy etc. But since snow is a major factor in the life of the Eskimo their vocabulary reflects their world.
However, if the word 'chairwoman' did not exist and you were a young girl, would you imagine yourself taking charge of some corporation? Perhaps if you were a young girl who was able to dream beyond the immediate possibilites, but now we live in a world where we have chairwomen, policewomen, firewomen.....Some young girls obviously grew into women who were able to imagine themselves fulfilling these roles, and many really endured quite the hazing as they entered into these ranks. Today the words exist, today the reality exists.
What words will we forge for the future?
Meanwhile: I've sent out to Zabar's for the pate...when are you free?
cheers,
M
Ah, Martha, this could go on quite a while and I'm down to one-handed typing for the time being. We'll continue this at a later date. Perhaps once the pate has arrived? (Goose or pork?)
Mmmm...Zabar's. When I was an actress in New York and had no funds (never!), I used to treat myself to "walk-throughs" of Zabar's and pretend I was shopping. Mostly I was just smelling...
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