Tonight

Tonight my house is full of people. Upstairs are my in-laws and my children's great grandmother. Downstairs on one couch is my teen (who wasn't all that put out about sleeping on the new cushy sofa) and on the other is my dog, who cannot be kept off the couch anyway, so why bother. Upstairs on the other side of the house is a husband and a baby as two cats prowl back and forth looking somewhat like they're members of a roving, balletic gang. I can almost hear the music in my head: "Mouse, mouse, crazy mouse...come out, mouse. Mousie, mousie, silly mousie, come out and play, mouse." They'd snap if they could, I'm sure.

But I digress.

My house is full. My simple dinner eaten and appreciated. Everyone's asleep, the new front door is installed - all except one side of the deadbolt (but it still works all you who would break in to steal two Elmos and a comfy black naughahyde chair saved from the dumpster). I've waited for this moment for...three months? All are occupied. I am awake. There is no baby asleep anywhere on my person.

And I am lonely.

The visit from my husband's relatives has been nice, actually. Sometimes even downright fun. Of course, I haven't had adult conversation in quite some time so it could just be me. But I've enjoyed it. Enjoyed cooking - or not, in the case of breakfast. Enjoyed having a house full of someone other than just myself and a 13 month old (today!).

But, tonight, I am lonely.

Lonely for myself. Lonely to have the house completely to myself, light the candles, sing and play as loud as I want (without complaint of my song choices - hey, I don't work at a piano bar anymore), eat broccoli if I so choose. I am lonely for conversation other than politics, gossip, finances, the children and the sad, sorry state of our house. I am lonely for mental intimacy and spiritual renewal. I am lonely for my cousin and my aunt. I am lonely for the annual lighting of the Plaza on Thanksgiving Night and I am lonely for familiar sights and sounds. I am lonely for the goodness of mankind on the news. I am lonely for my own good company. I am desperately lonely for a facial. (Well, maybe not lonely but desperate)

I am lonely for unconditional love given by someone other than my baby and my dog. I am lonely for a like mind. I am lonely for the man I married.

Most of all, I think, I am lonely for life. That every day investment of the soul into the day you are experiencing at that very moment. The - what's that silly phrase? - the carpe diem. Seize the dentist, or something like that. I am lonely for the way I used to experience my life. The passion, the mistakes, the happy coincidences, the long-forgottens and the happily remembereds. I am lonely for the energy, physical and mental, and the feeding of souls. Ah, yes, souls. And soul. I am also lonely for Al Green and Aretha Franklin.

Tonight. Tonight I'm lonely. Tomorrow I will wake up and be once more surrounded by my very unlonely day.

Just tonight.