Poor Judd Is (Gonna Be) Dead (Soon, I think)

The past few nights as I lay in bed and wait for my brain to turn off so I can plummet into blissful sleep (cuz there ain't no drifting these days) I've composed several blogs to post, hoping that I would retain enough of them. And here I sit with laundry stacked on the bed, the cutest baby in the universe giggling maniacally at me as he tries to stuff his sock in his mouth while pushing the beads on his exer-saucer, my stomach waiting for the Tums to kick in after my beer brat and onion lunch and an overwhelming to-do list and, you guessed it, I can't remember a single one of those missives I composed!

Let's see if out-of-control baby will let Mommy write for a few minutes to de-stress and get back on track to getting nothing done.

One of the many reasons we're moving is so I can go back to doing some of the things I love. Theatre and music, basically. Now, I know what some of my old Academy (American Academy of Dramatic Arts in NYC - the oldest Drama School in the country that claims such notable alumnus as Robert Redford, Adrian Brody, Colleen Dewhurst, Kirk Douglas, and me) buddies would look down their noses and sneer at the thought that I'm going to Maine, of all places, to do theatre when I was the really promising, versatile one.

Yes, but I also love raising my baby. Do not, under any circumstances, underestimate the importance of raising your own child. I'm sure I'm going to piss off a few people with this. I'm not preaching that women should stay at home and raise babies. But I have seen so many kids, not just here on BI but in all places I've lived, who are lacking in consistency because of their childcare situation. My daughter had babysitter after babysitter before I came along. There was just no other way for a single father without daycare to raise a three year old. And not that these girls weren't nice - they all were. But they were just young girls trying to make some summer cash. And each one had a different set of values and standards, not that any of them were bad, and none of them really reflected my own. So my husband and I have determined that if you want to instill a certain set of values in your child, you have to do that yourself. And if you leave your child with someone on a daily basis that doesn't reflect your personal philosophy, you really can't complain when your child follows their teachings. That being said, I must state here and now that there is a fabulous daycare and preschool facility on the island at present (at least, I think they are) and I wholeheartedly believe in quality daycare for working families. Please don't misinterpret what I'm really saying here and it will save us all a lot of time and heartache. It is just the right choice for my husband and I that I stay home and raise the baby. And I love every moment of it, which isn't the case for everyone else. You can't raise a happy child if you're not a happy parent. Which brings me back to the whole doin' my thing bit.

Of course, things aren't going according to plan. They never do. I've flown by the seat of my pants most of my early adulthood and I don't recommend it one bit. Exciting and adventurous, perhaps. But you can have plenty of excitement and adventure and it's even more fun when it's backed by practical planning and forethought. The plan we're following is almost solely my husband's (good thing neither he nor my daughter know I write this blog...so let's keep it on the hush hush, shall we?) and it's already falling apart. He has bitten off much more than he can chew here on the Island what with working full time for his cousin, running his own plastering business in the evenings and on week-ends and also trying to finish the Old Town house to rent for summer (you know, the one he's been trying to finish for 13 years and it's taken so long because it's been completely out of pocket and his parents wouldn't sell it to him-but that's another story). Now I find out that I'm supposed to move to Maine in the summer with the kids while he commutes between here and there. Working here 3 days a week and working on the house in Maine the rest of the time while also trying to find a job. Anybody else seeing the problem with this or am I just a shrewish wife? No mother in law living next door when I need the baby watched for an evening, or even an hour. No husband three days a week to help out with either child and what happens when the boat doesn't run????

So, even though my goal is to become Managing Director of an existing theatre company or start my own community based theatre (but it's really much easier taking over an established group), I can't really make the evening and week-end commitments, can I? So...fast forward, I've decided to become involved in Sweet Adelines so I can continue to perform and get back into arranging music and they only meet once a week. But guess what hubby has bombshelled me? That's right, he's not planning on being in Maine the evening I need him to be.

It's like a bad dream I can't wake up from....