My Yearly Thanks

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this gorgeous and near perfect day that you blessed me with on my birthday. The last few days were horendously muggy and hot, but today you gave me warm sunshine, cool breezes and fragrant smells. I can't tell you how welcome that change of pace has been.

This morning, as you know, I went for my placement test at the local community college. I've been trying to go back to school for so many years now. Remember when I kept registering at the Rhode Island Community College only to have the ferry schedule be less than accomodating so that I was never able to attend? I don't know why I love going to school so much. I just do. I wish I had the kind of disposable income that would let me be a perpetual student, taking classes in whatever interested me: belly dancing (still looking...), water colors, Spanish, ceramics, History of Everything. Maybe that's what I should have chosen for my career goals: Student of the Department of Never Graduating. Oh, wait a minute. I already did that one. For ten years. Silly me, how could I forget over ten years of schooling and a little two year degree to show for it? And you know, God, it never occurred to me (until today) that me - me, of all people! - has actually become an inspiration to younger women. Who would have ever believed THAT possible? The girls I work with are firmly convinced that I'm not as old as I say I am (personally, I feel one should always say one is five to ten years older than actual age so folks will say "Damn! You look great!" In some folks, however, this might tragically backfire.). I mean, everybody knows I have never acted my age. Nor will I ever. And I do try to take care of myself these days. Regular exercise (ya gotta walk the dog when there's no back yard), active week-ends, a change in dietary habits. There's a reason I've proudly lost over 20 pounds. And sunscreen. Probably more Wal Mart sunscreen than Nicole Kidman ever knew existed. I thank you for that. It might be a little vain, but we all are creatures of vanity, now aren't we? And a little perk in the aging well category is well appreciated.

On my birthday, I'd like to make my usual special (and public) prayer. And you know how I always end up pissing off somebody with these. Tough tootsie rolls. Life's too short to always bite your tongue when stating your own beliefs! I do ask, Lord, that you help me work on that pesky forgiveness thing. There are people in my life, not exactly by my choice, who feel justified in causing me pain and demeaning all that I've accomplished. Please help me to deflect those hurtful feelings and turn them, instead, into forgiveness. Something I've never been terribly good at. God knows I can carry a grudge 'til the end of my days and feel damned proud of doing so without losing any of details of why it began! Help me to forgive those I love and, even more, help me to forgive those I don't give a tinker's dam about. Not that I really want to, just that I think it'll make me happier in the long run.

Lord, help me to understand my daughter's need to ignore my existence. Help me to remind her that I hope someday we'll be in a position to be a family again. Help me to keep my son's sister alive for him even when she does not acknowledge him. Help me to forgive the pain she has caused me and to forgive myself for the inevitable grief my decisions have brought to her life. Help me to keep my heart and my arms open in case there is that day she remembers who we are together.

Please bless those who need you most. Abroad and next door. Rich and poor. Loved or alone.

And Lord, please help me not to eat the entire cake, frosting and all.

Thank you for all the amazing blessings in my life I have discovered this year. Thank you for second chances, sticky little mouths that say "I love you", super duper tight, tight, tight hugs, a great hairdresser and people who accept me for exactly who I am, even when they're ready to kill me (or at least tie me to a chair to make me sit down and shut up for a while).

Your friend,
Me